STUMPTOWNBLOGGER

Today LINDNER is hot air!!!!!!!

 Welp, for the fourth day in a row, Snappytown is number one in the “Worldwide Shittiest Air on Earth Competition” (woot, woot!), though things do *seem* to be improving ever so slightly. Maybe it’s my imagination, but conditions seem to be at their best early in the morning, then get worse as the day drags on. By 4:00 PM yesterday, you could cut off a chunk of air with a cake knife. I checked the AQI at that time, and it was around 500.

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Lisa texted me from her house (120 miles south of here) two upper-case words: “BLUE SKIES!” With a picture to prove it. No such situation up here. It seems like months since I’ve seen the stars in the morning, but it’s only been like this for a week or so. Looooongest week of our lives. Longer still for the poor souls all around us who’ve lost so much.

UPDATE ON LINDNER’S TERRIFIC FATHER

 So, as planned, I flew down to the Bay Area to pick up my dad's Prius yesterday. I’ll be headed back to Portland tomorrow so that I can pick up supplies for my weekly Saturday gig.

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A little back-story is helpful here.

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My dad has been driving since 1934. Do the math: that’s eighty-six years. Last year, just before his 100th birthday, the California DMV told him he had to come in and take their new written exam, or they’d invalidate his driver’s license. He did as he was told, and he ACED the test. He didn’t miss a single question.

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Then they told him okay, now that you’ve passed the written exam, you have to come back in three weeks to take the behind-the-wheel test. He did so and aced that too. Not a single error. So when they (begrudgingly, no doubt) renewed his license, they told him he’s the oldest person they’ve ever renewed a license for.

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Fast-forward to a few months ago. The California DMV contacted him again and told him he’d have to come in every October from now on to renew his license. He’ll be 101 years old next month, has never* had an accident in 86 years of driving, and only gotten one ticket: for an “improper turn,” around fifty years ago.

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He drives like Sully Sullenberger flies.  😑

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So he told me; “Screw them, I’m not going to dignify them by playing their game every year. Come down and take my car, I can get along without it.”

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I have no doubt that he will, but it still irritates me. He’ll be without wheels for the first time since prohibition was repealed. Wrap your brain around THAT.

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* I stand corrected. A neighbor once pulled out of her driveway without looking and T-boned my dad’s brand new ‘65 Ford Galaxy. But it was totally her fault, it was 56 years ago, and only a stupid Galaxy. 🤷🏻‍♂️

LINDNER’S FOLLOW UP ON HIS DAD

 Some of you have asked how my dad is doing during these fires and freak lightning storms in the Bay Area. The short answer, is he’s perfectly fine, thanks for asking. I just finished FaceTiming with him. He gets pissed at himself when he forgets how to use the FaceTime or Zoom software. I told him; “Dad, you’ll be 101 in two months. Most people in their 70’s have to refer to the instructions just to turn on their electric toothbrush. Lighten up on yourself!”

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The more complex answer, is that Danville hasn’t been spared either the fires or the thunderstorms. An old friend from my days in Danville forwarded this image to me a while ago with the caption “Danville Ca, morning of August 20th.” I can’t vouch for its authenticity, but those hills look exactly like the hills at the south end of town near Blackhawk.

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Even if the caption is wrong, that’s a scene that would strike fear in Dante’s heart.

LINDNERS TASTE BUDS

 Let me just say, if you’re a Costco member and you’re a carnivore, run, don’t walk to your nearest Costco and grab yourself some of this. I picked up a package last year around this time, and fell DEEPLY in love. So I went back a few days later, only to be told they were out: it’s a seasonal product, and the season had ended (first and only time I ever got pissed at Costco).

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Well, it’s back. And I bought four packages—one for tonight, three for the freezer. Not cheap; $9.59 per pound, but flavor-wise, the bargain of the year.

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Take it from a guy whose taste buds have been AWOL for nearly twenty years. You NEED this. It’s how brisket is meant to be et. <spits> 💦

WORLD ACCORDING TO LINDNER

 The following story is brought to you by the new & improved “Duh.” Now available in the handy family size.

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I bought this car (the green one, not the white one 🙄) 23 years ago. We’re talking nearly a quarter of a century ago. Not *quite* new, but almost. It was a dealer demo with 860 miles on the clock. I’ve always been a sports car guy, and this came as close I could get for a single dad hauling around an adolescent daughter and her giggly cohorts. I traded in my CRX Si for it. Alas, the days of two-seaters were over. Five speed stick, ragtop, non-turbo four banger... just the ticket for a midlife-crisismobile.

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But it’s never handled like a true sports car. In fact, it’s always handled like a sports car wannabe... mushy, nervous front suspension, etc. But it’s been by FAR the most reliable car I’ve ever owned, so I just put up with it. In 23 years, I replaced the top, the serpentine belt, the harmonic balancer, two sets of tires and the windshield wipers twice. That’s it! For a grand total of *maybe* $2,500.00. We’re talking old faithful here.

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But just for the hell of it, I asked my mechanic if he’d change the shocks for me, for something more spirited. He told me to go online, order the kind I want, and he’d install them for me. So I ordered some adjustable Bilstein struts pre-installed in new heavy-duty coil springs. I dropped off the car with the shocks in the trunk at his shop the next morning, he dropped it off in my driveway later that night.

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I got in, turned the key... okay, no change so far. Then I put it in first, pulled out of the driveway and...HOLEEEEEESHEEEEIT! I love me that seat-of-the-pants sports car feeling! Where have you been all my life? 🤩

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Then it hit me. This car’s had the potential all these years, but me, dumbass that I am, never bothered to push its limits. Mind you, we’re not talking Ferrari handling here, but it went from Ford LTD to poor man’s Lotus overnight. I spent the morning on one of my favorite back roads out in farming country, accelerating to 70 mph into 45 mph turns.

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I may be beyond the age of dealing with a “mid-life crisis,” but damn it... If Carroll Shelby and Zora Arkus Duntov could be sports car nerds into their golden years, so can I!

GREAT STORY BY LINDNER

 On my walk yesterday morning, I stopped and recorded this video. The audio turned out to be worthless, as I was standing directly under Interstate-5, which drowned out my narrative.

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The statue is of Vera Katz, Portland’s Mayor from 1993 to 2005. She fought leukemia  for ten years, before succumbing to it. Anyway, funny story about Vera...

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She would get a coffee from me every year when I served the Race For the Cure on the Waterfront. I talked her into trying my BFK once; a non-alcoholic concoction based on a bar drink by the same name: Bailey’s Frangelico & Kahlua. It took me a while to get the proportions right, but once I did, it took off like a scared bunny. It’s been popular ever since. Vera was impressed. I saw her around town a few other times, and she always asked for “that thing you make for me.”

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So just before she left office, I was driving (Javamobile I) north on Macadam Avenue, headed into town. She was in the southbound lane, and when she saw my truck, she told her driver to turn around and catch me. So he hung a U-turn, hit the afterburners, and they caught up with me at John’s Landing. The driver got out first, then Mayor Katz got out. “Make me that thing I like, that BFD thing.”

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I told her “Madam Mayor, it’s called a BFK. BFD is something altogether different. One of these days, I’m going to rename it after you.” I ended up making her two BFKs, one for her, one for her driver.

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So that’s what I did. When she died a few years ago, I renamed the BFK the “Vera.” It took a while for my Beaverton peeps to get accustomed to the change, but they ask for it by name now. Whenever someone asks why I call it the Vera, I slow down just a tad to give myself enough time to tell the story.

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Raconteur first, barista second. That’s just how I roll. 😎

WORLD ACCORDING TO LINDNER

 The other day when I was at Costco, I noticed this display of adult, wine-based slurpees. You get a big jar of 18 tubes of slop to slurp for (I think) $15.00. So I picked one up just for shits ‘n giggles.

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Holy crap... BIG MISTAKE! I’m like a kid with an unguarded cookie jar with these things.

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Walk through the kitchen on my way out to the garage: Grab a slurpee en route.

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Go outside for half an hour in anything over 75°: Grab a slurpee when I come back inside.

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Wake up in the middle of the night to wave the magic wand: Grab a slurpee (necessitates additional wand-waving activity an hour later).

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Think about four more years of Trump: Grab four slurpees and fuhgetaboutit.

WORLD ACCORDING TO LINDNER

 Just in case you’re going stir-crazy holed up by the #Trumpvirus, here’s a good back yard distraction for you. This comet (called NEOWISE) has suddenly become visible to the naked eye. Which means of course, if you have the proper hardware, it will look glorious. Even a pair of binoculars will do. This shot was taken this past weekend by a fellow named Maroun Habib in Lebanon.

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The best time & place to get a glimpse of NEOWISE this week, will be just before sunrise in the eastern sky. By next week, try looking just after sunset, in the west. After that, NEOWISE will be en route back into the outskirts of the Solar System and will no longer be visible.

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The appearance of NEOWISE came as a bit of a surprise to the Astro-nerd community. Nobody knew it existed until just three months ago. Now here it is, in our neighborhood, lighting up our dreary lives.

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You’re welcome, earthlings.  ☄️

LINDNER’S WORLD & COOLEST PARENTS

 My mother didn’t *quite* make it, but today would have been my parent’s 74th wedding anniversary. I’m not sure what the pink motif in this picture is all about—I culled it from a video one of their friends sent me, but it looks like this was taken recently at their neighbor’s house across the street.

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To those of you who’ve been wondering, my dad is doing fine, I call him every day. He’s as strong as she was. Note the hand reaching over to keep in physical contact with my dad. After eight decades together, I guess that’s a habit you don’t want to break.

A REALLY GOOD MOM ....WORLD ACCORDING TO LINDNER

 Well, she went peacefully, which is all anyone can ask of life. My mother died at 4:35 PM today after what... 12 weeks on hospice? We’re all heartbroken of course, but it was time. In fact, at 97 years old, with never any medical issues in her entire life, I’d say she beat the curve.

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Born Bernice Helen Altman in Springfield Illinois, she married my dad on June 29th 1946. A week from today would have been their 74th wedding anniversary. She was a wonderful mother, with a cheeky, wry sense of humor. (She did spoil the living shit out of me, but I’m willing to let bygones be bygones 🙄).

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Again, we’ve all been as ready as possible for this, not the least of us my dad. Ever the scientist, he’s been prepared for it. He called to give me the news not long after. She was just breathing normally... normally... then stopped. About as painless a passing as anyone could hope for. And yes, that adorable pink cherub is me, I’m guessing around February 1953. The other shot was taken in our back yard in Israel, in 1962, reassembling a Roman amphora we found.

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Thanks for everything, mom. Sorry about that incident in 1965. Oh, and the um... fire In 1964. Oh, and the drugs during ‘66-‘68. And uh... Oh, the time I got busted stealing marshmallow peeps down my pants from the candy store when I was 6, and when the clerk grabbed my arm, I peed all over the peeps... and when you told dad about it later that night after I was in bed, you both laughed so hard it woke me up. (The store didn’t want them back after that).

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But I digress. I love you mom. Thanks for the Beatles tickets, the Doors tickets, the trip around the world, and not freaking out when you found my stash when I was in the 8th grade.

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And thanks to all of YOU, for your concern, everyone. This has been a long, drawn
out ordeal, but all things must end. All we can hope for is as gentle a waltz across the finish line as my mom experienced this afternoon.